Becoming a politician anywhere in the world takes some degree of artistry, sometimes not – e.g. the North American Orange Man. But in Nigeria, there are secrets to attaining that most-enviable position, making the journey all the more fun.

We’ll be sharing with you these secrets that you must learn if you want to be successful as a politician in this country.

1. The desire to strongly want to secure the bag

Have you read that story about our dear transportation minister, Rotimi Amaechi’s motive for entering into politics? That said he did not enter politics because of politicking but because of unemployment? Abeg, what else is the motivation? “I didn’t join politics because I wanted to be a leader or because I wanted to solve Nigeria’s problems. I joined because of unemployment. I also believe there is a part that grace played in it.” He even said “grace played a part” shey you see.

2. Poker face and the ability to lie without flinching

You would probably need to go to an acting school if you know your face doesn’t have what it takes to emphasize your convictions. As you lie through your teeth, make sure your face expresses conviction in that lie, people have to believe you.

3. Use your church or mosque as a sanctuary of your lie solidification

Nigeria was where God started the creation of the earth. We are the chosen people, even the Jews are were chosen after us, that is why religion is what has given us this much progress, you see. So, you would need to use your religion to convince these people that you’re a religious person and can make true to your promises, even if they don’t know (these days they do) that you’re lying; remember, do it with conviction.

4. Have thugs

Important accessories. Las las N1,500 should get the job done: How else will you ensure that you’re voted in? Your thugs will make sure that ballot boxes are secure and your win is secured with it.

5. Learn to be proactive close to deadlines

You know that skill that most of us carried from secondary and into uni, well, this is something you’d need if you want to be a serious politician in this country. Once you are nearing the end of your tenure, start some small work, don’t finish it oh, so that you can promise them that when you come back, you’ll complete it.

6. Be enthusiastic about having no plans for communal growth

It’s a chop-alone-die-alone affair. Another perspective on the concept of the winner takes it all. Although, sometimes, if the money wan choke you small, arrange convoy, spread 100-200 naira, feel the vibe of poverty; then you go home.

7. Be a bedroom dom (dominatrix, for those of you with untainted minds

It’ll definitely reflect on how you treat the hapless folks you’ll serve (na serve abi rule?). you need to know how to put people in check, they cannot be going off the rails without your approval. Remember, democracy is only a word used during election campaigns, after that, who democracy epp?

8. Unaccountability

You can never be blamed for the situation of things, the person that sat in that chair before you is the reason why you can’t perform your duties, let your mind be at ease, do the best you can, and when people point out why you aren’t doing well, remind them someone else was there before you and fucked up so much you can’t unfuck it.

With these few points of ours, we hope that we have been able to convince and not confuse you on how to be successful as a politician in Nigeria.

Note: This post does not mean to threaten the national security of this could-be great nation Nigeria.

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